Reasonable Words

“She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.” — W. Somerset Maughan

An open letter to my iPod

(With sincere apologies to McSweeney’s)

sad-ipod

Tiny Black 30GB iPod, why do you make this face at me? Haven’t I always been good to you? Since the day I first unwrapped you in 2006, in accordance with manufacturer’s recommendations, I’ve kept you in some type of protective case. Did I smother you? I tried to give you space to breathe with colorful socks. I’ve never defiled you with non-Apple-approved accessories, often paying a ridiculous mark-up to spare you the degradation.  I’ve even grown used to sheer agony that comes with wearing earbuds.

Tiny Black 30GB iPod, I don’t know where I went wrong. I always thought you enjoyed running in the park, me in my hoodie and yoga pants, you in that cute neoprene armband you like. Remember? We had some good times, didn’t we? I wish you’d talk to me. But all I hear now is the click-click-click of what I assume is an unhappy hard drive. I’d send you to meet your maker, but they want $135, not to repair but to replace you. And since I’m horrible at backing up data, nothing will replace the untold dollars’ worth of iTunes purchases that exist only in your memory.

You know, there are ways of getting you to work again for less money, but I think I should seize upon this opportunity for some long -overdue changes. See, starting today, Tiny Black 30GB iPod, there are new rules. I’ve been trying to decide how to tell you this, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’ve been using something else; I got an iPhone for Christmas, see. It was a gift and it just happened before I knew it! At first he meant nothing (well, very little) to me. I didn’t trust him. With his multi-functionality and non-compatible headphone jack, he played by his own rules and was too clever by half. But, gradually, he began to grow on me. And being able to email, listen to music, and snap a photo with the same piece of hardware, absurd as it sounds, well, it means less clutter in my purse.

So if you think you’re sad now, Tiny Black 30GB iPod, we’ll see how the inside of a drawer for an indeterminate length of time suits you.

Best,

Me

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Filed under: Geeking Out, IRL

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  1. […] I found this CD behind my desk while straightening up my office. And I was all, “That’s out of contrizzle!” Then I remembered I am in fact white, and no longer 19, and quietly ripped a soft copy (occasionally peaking in my desk drawer to taunt my moody iPod). […]

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